I appreciate the advice-giver-dudes who are so goal-oriented and single-minded that they strip all the imperfect out of their lives and go far.
But my life does not look like that.
You can’t always resolve the tension. You can’t quit the job right now. You can’t stop parenting the children. You can’t surmount the chronic illness. You can’t abandon the ailing relative.
I mean, you can.
But the consequences are often severe enough to make that a ridiculous prospect.
I carry things I can’t put down. Kids. Family responsibilities.
My life is one where the tension does not resolve. Where I don’t dump the people depending on me.
But I keep going anyway.
I have dreams too. I want meaning and happiness and creative work. I want to use the things inside of me.
But the question becomes not, “What single-pointed strategy can I focus on?” but more like, “How do I shift the tension? How do I carry it with grace and humor? How do I live in the meantime, as I build whatever the thing is I’m building?”
Most of us are in that space.
We are in between.
On one hand, something crushing that we can’t escape; and on the other, some happier resolution that we hope will help.
Often the resolution isn’t to put down one thing and get something else (although there are certainly exceptions). But to learn a new way of living that lets you hold both.
Holding the Tension
Oriah Mountain Dreamer calls this holding the tension.
From “The Invitation,” she writes, “I stopped trying to find a place where there would be no tension between my desire to work in the world and my dedication to my children. I started to look for and find a way to simply live with this tension, holding it without struggle or hope of resolution…”
There’s a resignation for her. No longer fighting it, just accepting it. Trying to find a way to hold it, and live with it.
That’s the project here. We aren’t escaping the tension, the job, the kids, the stress, the pain. We’re learning to carry it better.
This surrendered self-awareness is reflected in the teaching of Jiddu Krishnamurti. In “Think on These Things”, he says, “If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.”
The key – not only to transformation, but also to loving your life, seeing clearly, thinking intelligently, and being contented in life – is just to start to notice yourself. To see and understand your own state.
Then, it begins to change of itself.
Indeed, at least at an emotional/behavioral level, the first move in stopping or changing a reaction you don’t like – is to see it.
If you can be aware of it, spot it in real time, give yourself a few seconds to process before you react – you may just be building the foundation for a different choice. One you’re proud of.
And astrology is one language for doing the internal noticing Krishnamurti is calling for.
Tension in Astrology: An Intro
In astrology, the two most significant types of tension in your life are the oppositions and squares (aspects).
Briefly – in astrology, all the planets land in signs in the chart that can be drawn for the moment you were born (your birthchart).
-
The planets act as roles or tools of your personality (your emotions – Moon; mind and communication – Mercury; drive – Mars, ect.).
-
The sign they fall in is their kit – skills, needs, resources, and challenges they have for doing their jobs.
-
The 12 houses (where planets were in the sky at the time) show what areas of your life things tend to show up in.
-
Where the planets were mathematically relative to each other is the aspects. While trines (120 degrees) and sextiles (60 degrees) represent an easy flow of energy, squares (90 degrees) and oppositions (180 degrees) represent tension.
You can grab your birthchart for free at astro.com.
(A caveat if you’re reading a real chart: aspects are almost never exact. They have “orbs” which means they’re usually 3-8 degrees off from mathematically exact. That’s okay. They feel stronger when they’re closer, and weaker further from exact.)
Types of Tension: The Opposition
An opposition (180 degrees) feels like a see-saw – only one side is underwater. It feels like you can never quite have these two sides of your personality in the room together. When one is up, the other is down (and often uncomfortable). Then you flip, and the other one is up, and the first one is down.
I have Jupiter opposite my Moon, and for me that feels like my philosophy, higher mind, love of learning, and deep-diving can never quite fit in the same room as parenting. Either I’m doing one or the other, but never both.
For you, that might look like your weird, deep insights (Uranus) can never quite sit in the room with what you love to do (Venus). Or it might look like your drive to get things done (Mars) never seems to sit in the room with your ability to explain why or what you’re doing (Mercury). Or your structured, disciplined work self (Saturn) can’t seem to coexist with you shining or being at your best (Sun).
In any case, if you don’t find ways to resolve the tension and let both sides have a turn running your day, you can end up with violent, almost cataclysmic flip-flops, in which one whole way of life seems to shut down for you, when the other, suppressed side demands its day in the sun. And upends your life to get it.
Types of Tension: Squares
Squares are different – they represent 90 degrees of the circle, and a constant tension.
While an opposition is like longing for someone in a different room, a square feels like always having to bring in something you don’t want in the room.
Like always having to bring your wacky little brother to parties. You can’t be cool, cause he keeps showing up being weird, but you don’t want to leave or only take care of him; you want to relate to other people. You might find yourself constantly adjusting, between taking care of him and being the cool party-self you were hoping to be.
Eventually, the constant tension of squares creates a need for growth. Someday, you learn how to be a version of cool that can roll with little-brother-interruptions and stay confident – and this is actually way cooler than the first version.
Squares are like the tension that holds up your house. Those walls are under constant pressure, but the way they balance together is what gives them the strength to keep up the roof.
And the active effort needed to resolve the tension often creates progress.
I, for example, have Moon square Mercury. My emotions (Moon) are often super complex and don’t make a lot of sense (Mercury), while most day-to-day conversations and ideas (Mercury) I tend to take in through an emotional lens (Moon).
The resolution? I journal constantly. It’s often the only way I can figure out how I feel. I need to use words and ideas (Mercury) to process my emotions (Moon).
Growing Through Tension
Interestingly, one of the best ways to resolve the tension of an opposition is through a planet or point that squares both ends of the opposition (90 degrees is half of 180, so in a chart, it looks like a right-triangle).
In other words, we handle tension with counter-tension.
Ultimately, it’s a lie that you are going to reach some perfect point in life where there is no tension, no pain, no suffering or discomfort.
It is always going to be there.
And the point is not just that it exists – but that it is HOW WE GROW.
We need the tension. It’s a motive force.
It’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong. Rather, it’s a sign you’re getting close to something right. Something necessary.
Something difficult that needs to be held so that you can grow, and all of humanity can grow with you.
But it demands that we step into the unknown, and stay with the discomfort of becoming something we can’t imagine yet – something strong enough, wise enough, agile enough – to manage the tension with skill and grace.
Leave a Reply